Emotion Insignias
This project was a personal project I created to help make sense of my thoughts and take control of my mental health. Getting what I was feeling out on paper helped me to analyze these feelings and not let them hold me hostage. My goal with this project was to see these feelings as pieces of me rather than foriegn thoughts, and know that I am in control of them, not the other way around. I hope that this project can help others struggling with mental health in the same way. This project was technically the longest personal project I have ever undertaken. The project started in highschool, where I came up with the idea inspired by lyrics of my favorite songs. At that time, I was only able to complete two of the insignias and then I moved across the country and stopped focusing on it for a long time. Going through college I revived the project in sketchbooks and in my head, but never made any final designs out of it. In 2020 I was laid off from my job and spent a lot of time thinking and growing, and thought it was the perfect opportunity to revive the project. I started by redesigning the first two designs in a newer style, and then put the designs that were in my head onto paper. I finished with two entirely new designs that I felt rounded out the series as well as expressing the mental journey I took along the way.
This was a re-design of my original insignia from 8 years ago, and the inspiration for the rest of the set. I originally took inspiration from different Bayside lyrics and wanted to create patches for "The Walking Wounded" as they put it. There wasn't one lyric in particular that started this whole idea but it made me wonder if were not all just "soldiers" in life trying to survive and so I started creating a patch to represent that. At the time, it felt like this insignia represented me, but it has evolved into a much bigger series now representing various emotions and feelings that I have gone through, or still go through. It's helped me to realize that our scars and our perceived flaws are what make us. They aren't always good, but without them we wouldn't be who we are, or where we are.
This insignia was the second and only other one I completed from the original set in 2013. At the time, I was starting to become very depressed and didn't really understand what I was feeling. I thought of it as sorrow for something I didn't have or something didn't know I wanted. I understand my condition much better now and wouldn't describe it that way anymore, but over the years this insignia has stuck with me. To me it says, we all have felt loss in one way or another, we long to be with those we've lost but never will. It's just a bittersweet feeling that's hard to describe. Though, like the other insignias, it represents a piece of me that builds my character, not diminishes it. I believe that sorrow helps us remember what we've lost more fondly, and strengthens us.
This insignia was locked in my mind for a long time. I designed this insignia on paper at a time where I was trying to understand what was going on inside my head. I decided just to turn what I was feeling into a metaphor and went from there. I also took inspiration from the lyrics on the second page. To me, they represent the internal struggle of knowing your OK, but not feeling OK at all. Sometimes it feels like an endless cycle, like being trapped in a cell with no door.
This insignia was another one that I had on my mind for a long time but couldn't figure out a way to present it. I'm pretty proud of how it turned out. I didn't know how to do the feeling justice at first. Anxiety is such a hard feeling to nail down, as it can be different for everyone. For me, it feels like my heart is being squeezed, and my chest is on fire. That was the whole inspiration for this piece, just representing that in some way.
̶̥̬̚ͅȚ̶͇̼́͂h̶̬͍̊͊͘i̴̧̮̹͑͠s̵̳͓̩̽̈́̓ ̴̬͋ẘ̶̟̮̰̀̿a̴̦̼̥̋͝s̵͍͙̒̐̿̇ ̴̘̅͆a̶̍ͅ ̸̘̺̭͌̉͐f̶̨͙̟̎́̈̍ͅe̶͈̱̝͔͌̐̚e̴͚̻̗͖̍̀̕l̵̮͉̪̒͛̇ī̸̠̳͝ņ̴͖̪̻͋͌g̵̻̫̖͋̈͝ ̴̭̓I̶̻̠͑̃͒ ̴͖̗̤͕͑̈́͝c̵͎͉̗̚o̷͎͒̋u̸̗͙̙̒́͐̃l̴̢͈̀̈́͝d̷͇̥̘̗̈́̓̊̌ ̴͍̜̆̏̒̽n̷̯͎̈́̈ö̶͙̳͍̖͝t̸͉̂ ̶̡̅̒̄͝ḋ̴͙͚̅̋ę̵̫̝̔̽̈s̵̪̐͌c̸͍͓̖̝͊̚r̵̻̫͚̂̔̔̕i̴͍̓͌͛͝b̴̙̳̋e̷̤̜̐̆ ̵̦̿̏͋f̶̜̰͈͂o̷͍̺̺͐̐͊r̴͕͎͑ ̶͕̫̀͑̍̕ẗ̴̜̦́͘h̶̪̥̉ȩ̷̳̫̘̑͊̉ ̴̪̹̣͔̾̑̇̈l̶̲̦͑͋ő̵̖͉͛͠ņ̸̩̻̐̊͋ǵ̸̦̦̃͛ͅè̷̝͜ͅš̵̡̩̻̦͐͐̕t̶̮̥̋ ̴̣̟̎͑t̵̥̭̤̟̏͛̕i̶̓̀ͅm̵̝͓̓̉͑͠e̸͓̞͖̦̓.̵̢̧̎͌̓ ̷̟̀͋̊͝t̶̢͔̺̿͂ḧ̵̫ẹ̶̗̪̾͆̈́ ̵̗̰́̐̀ŗ̶͊͐͠ͅe̶̟̚g̸͕͑͐ŭ̸͈̈̋͝l̷̯͔̹͐ȁ̵̹r̵͓̻̄̔̿ ̸̦͉́̐d̷̫͍̺͆̒̈ĕ̶̳̫͜f̷̺̈́̑͆ị̵͕̒͊͑̓n̶̺̐̽͝i̵̗͖͈̓̄͊͘ṭ̵̤̱̥̍̃i̵̫̲̦̓ǒ̵̲̱̳̮́ñ̷̻̽̕s̶͙͋ ̸̻̮͙̔̿͝o̴̼̖̓̎̏͌ͅf̷̬͐ ̶̢̛̲̪̙̚"̵̨̢̞̹̂̾͠f̶͍̥͆̒͠͠l̵̠̲̠͖̈́̀́̕ő̸̜̭̃â̶̝̮̈́͊̓t̵̜̰̘͑̇̐̊i̷͎͂̓̿ń̷̝̥̖͗̇͌g̴̪̑"̴͈̯̀ ̴͎̊̆̕o̸̻̦̅̈́͘r̷̈́̋͜͝ ̸͓̱͇̏"̵̗̑͂̔̅w̷͚͈̪̺͒̃̅a̶̫̯̻̗͗̾̈t̶̳̣̥͑c̵̢̻̬͎̅͂ẖ̵̊ḭ̴͇̗̝̿n̵͖͍̯̩̿g̴̹̹̪̯͑ ̵͉̈̅̽̕y̸͎͖̻͠ő̴͕̺͇̥̌͘ȕ̵̲̝͊r̴̢̫͍̔́͗͠s̶̢̮͍͍̈e̶̟̫̰͚͝l̷͓̣̓f̷̼̾̓"̸͚̬͐̔͐ ̷͓͋d̵̡̫̦̳̀ḯ̵̥̰̬d̷̼̀ņ̶̪̥͝'̵͚͕̜͔͛͛t̷̟̰̫͐͊̑͝ ̶̟̺̲͕͒c̶̗͍̊͗́u̷̙̱̯̽̆͆͝t̷̹̳̠̎̂́̚ ̶̻̇ị̴̑̓̆͘t̵̼͈͂̽̊̾ ̷̭̩͌͗̕f̵̢̦͑̓͆̋ǫ̵̨̐̔̎̽ŗ̸̫͂̆͝ ̷̨̳̗͋͠͝͝m̸̦̪̉͠ê̸̗̩̗̦.̴̡̫̥̏ ̷͚̠̗̀̀Ĭ̴͓͆t̷̗͍͙̼̔̂̆̑ ̶͔̞̿͑̑̾w̴̧̦̰̐͗͒å̷̲̤̂̐͝s̷̼̯͙̗̕̚ ̷̭̈́̊̎ā̵̮͒̿n̷̢̛̗̝̓̃̎ ̴̝̹̝̌̀̅͝e̵̟̓n̷͙̪͎̠̈́͒͝ṯ̵͔̞̑̐̊͜i̸̠̍͠r̷̙̘̫̍͛̇ͅe̴̳͈̠̾l̴̩̰̈́̏̎y̸̮̞̳̐́ ̵̦̩͙̏͗̅̒ḑ̶̗͋̇͊̚i̶̝͔̓͒̇̕f̷̡̛͖̹́̓͛f̵̣̤̭̠͗̏͛e̴̛̟͕̙r̸̘͇͋͝͝e̷̪̍n̵͌̈́͜t̸̡̫̪̜́͘,̸̭̦̎̾͜ ̶̨͉̻̍̔̆̈d̶̪́ë̷͕̝́͘b̷͍̳͖͐̑̒͝i̶͍̓̾̋l̴̡̥͚̄͠į̸̟͒t̷̝̻̚a̸̠͙͆̈̉ṫ̷͔̽͆i̸̡̬͌̍̈́ň̸̪̰̈́g̷͇̝̅̊ ̶̜̻̒͝f̵̨͎̩̈̉̾e̸͇̿̔̀ế̴̲̳̻̑̕l̴̰̀̋i̸̼͙͆ṉ̴͍̜̒g̷̡̲̩̉̈́̓͊.̸̗͔̘̋̋ ̴̳̈́̍͠I̷̘͊̂͠t̴̾̆ͅ ̵̛͚͔̼̥̈f̶̬͕̈́̒͑͝e̴͓̍̉l̴̝̬͓͗͝t̶̡̬̔̒̾ ̸͔̲̄͐̌̊l̴͙͇͖̰̈̍͗͠i̴̙̱͋̓k̶̫͗e̵̦͈̗͗̃̑ ̶̼̺̫͛̇͝͝m̵̟̿̽̕y̵̮͛ ̶̝͔̻̚b̸͙͕̝͓̒͒͊r̸̮̅̌̏͂ả̴͔̗͆̕ͅi̸̦̎̾́̽ṇ̶͆͊ ̶̡̪̗̗̌w̶̯͖̑̚͠a̶̰̍̅̉͝s̸͖̿̂͘ ̸̱̌̑͜f̶͙̓̎͜ù̵͍̺̀̚͝z̸̹̯̣͓̚z̵͓͚̪͆͘͠ẙ̴̬͎̳͛,̵̨͆͂͐ ̷̳̐͠ô̸̝r̵̗̾̿͠ ̶͚́s̶͕̳͖̈́̕c̸̖̗̼͈̈́̓͌̿r̶̝͙̯͚̓̅̈́a̷͕̾̊̒m̵̠͓̋̈́b̴̖̪͙̦͋̐͒l̴̩̰͐̅͘ě̴̺̞̭d̸̘͎̺́̀.̴̘̗͚̠̊̇̊͒ ̷̠̘̯̼̋Ï̷̥̫̘̇͝ ̷͙̇ű̴̡͎̆̎s̸͎̜̰͔̄̉̃̚e̵̟̥͒d̷̺̞̮͑ ̸͍͛̀t̵̝̳̆̌͑̀ḥ̷̪̅̏͝i̴̭̐̌̂s̷̪̬̻̾͆́̍ ̶̖͎̂a̸͎̙͔̒̄ś̶̭͓̎ ̶̛̩̥̞̗̾͑t̵͚̙̯̭̏h̵̝̭̩̓̾́̾e̴̙̣̰̿ ̵̭̀̇̌i̸̻̙̫̒̒̂̊ͅn̴̢̠͚̫͑͝s̴̪̠̻̣̏p̶̧͙̞̅ỉ̸͕r̶̢̡͍̝̓́̿͘ą̴͗t̸͍͌͛͜i̸̼̘̹̾ó̵̲̫͚n̴̯͍̠͛̓͝,̵͍̒ ̶̢̯̙͝ͅṃ̷̒͆a̸̻͇̪͖͊͊̎k̴̯͇̬͉̓̕i̶̠̟͖̿̑n̸̲̩̘̬̋̂g̴̰̖̋ ̷̻̺̄͌̕͠t̷̜͉͉̜̾h̶͔̅ȩ̶͔͕̂̀ ̷̳̮͐͗͠o̸̝̾̐͐̂ú̶̼̫̺̗̅͐ț̶͈̏̾ͅę̸̣̉r̸̈́͐̋͠ͅ ̶͖͖͐̂̿e̶̡͗̎̈́͘ď̸̪̗g̴̜̃̚ͅé̴͔̖͔͇̓͠ ̶̛͚̭͈l̵̦̀͐̌o̶̺̟͓̯̍̈͐o̷͙̻̥̊̂̚͝ķ̶̛̪͙̞̅̅͘ ̴̲̮͂͊͠l̵̞͍̰̖̂̅i̶̘̗͊k̸̙̺̯̉͂̍͜e̸̬̲̰͔͝ ̸̜̖͓͉͋ả̴̪̻̽̕͠ ̵̝͆̌̃̕c̵̨̞͍̺̋o̷̟͓̔̚m̸̢̂̇̎̐ṕ̴̮̻͛͛̊a̴͚̘͊̐̐ś̸͙̙̥͎͆̒͠ś̷͖̝̓͐͂ ̶̨̨͕̽͗ẃ̶̻͉̌i̶̱̘̲̖͆̑̉͘t̴̲̱̩̟̍̑̈́h̵̘̊ ̷͕̠̽ñ̸̺͈̈́̂o̴̜̻͒ ̸̪̃͝n̵̜̺͍̓̀̋̔e̷̱͝ȩ̸̡̳̯̍̇͘d̶̤̈̅͠l̸͇̱̆ě̸̼͎͖͈͝,̷̣̠͂̊ ̴̗̫̊á̵̧̇͠n̴̻̮̄d̵̙́͛̀͝ ̵̦̜͛̓̇ͅţ̸̏h̴̙̃ě̷̗̙̂ͅ ̸̡̟͉̳̋͝ȋ̸̡͇͈͔̆n̸͔̜̳̳̈́s̵̤̈͋̈́̑i̴̽̍̀̽ͅd̸̗̥̄̽e̷͕̼̟͓̒̓̊́ ̵̻̒̈͗b̵̤͛͛͆͝e̸̗̞̞̻͒i̴̩̐͘̕͝n̴̛͎̟̬̐͜g̸̠̫͗͠ ̸̧̞̖̑̈s̵͖͈͝͝c̵̜͑̎͘͝r̷̨̗̻̈́̆a̵̼̩̜̒̔̌̃m̷̖̾̌b̷̢͚̘̙̾l̷̝̰̥̒͂͆͐ẻ̷͕̭̐̉̋d̵̦̹̪͘ ̴̦̑̋̈ŕ̷͕͙̅̋͠a̴̯̙̻̬̽̌d̵̺͐͑̇̈́͜ỉ̶̳̿͜ͅơ̸̟̾ ̶̗̥̍w̵̼͛̚a̸͈̓̑͊͂v̷̛͚̣́ë̶̡́̐̈́̇s̶͓̖̚.̸̡̭̀̈́͝ ̸̲̓Į̷̜͙͓͂̆t̴̩͐s̶͔̹̭̈́͋̏ ̸͔̫͙̳̒̓̌̓a̸̭̮͋̿̉͠ͅ ̵̢̺͗̉͜h̵̼͇͚̒ḁ̸͓̹̙̆̀́͠r̸̨̹̅̓̄d̸̗͓̘͐͜ ̵͇̗͐̑͒̐s̸̭̱̻̄̋̃̀e̴̻͙̥̲͂n̴͖͐̀s̵̘̓á̴̧̖͈͚̅t̴̪͇̭̯͌ȉ̷̙̱ǫ̸̟̥̬̉̄ṅ̵̘͓̾̊̑ ̴̘͎͇͆̀̔͊t̸̪̹̊ọ̶̢̻̿ ̵̘̿́g̷̲̉é̷͓̮̖͕͊̅̚ẗ̶̜̮́ ̷̯͙̥͍̍͝o̷͈̬̱͋̈u̷͙̰͐͊̍̇t̵̡͐͗̓̃ ̵͎̔̿̕ọ̷̝̌̆̈f̵̤̎̃,̷̣̲̥̑ ̵̞̥̆̚b̵̨̭͎̑̓ủ̵͔̜̄͘t̶͔̋̿̀́ ̵̙̼̻̉̂̿ï̵̧͖̤̚f̶̡͒̕ ̷̫̺̈́̀͐̊y̶̬̘̥̝͌̃̒̑o̵̰͇̺͊̽ụ̶̫̅͐̊ ̷̻͎̺̆͛j̷̼̇̈́ȗ̶͙̘͐s̶̫̯̎͆t̵̛̩̘̏͒̕ ̴̨͖̈́k̵̯̋ͅe̸̯̞̦̋̂̈́è̵͕͇̤p̸̼̣̞̩̓̊ ̸̻̩̇͆͆̈́g̷̲̼̣͒ö̷̳̭̋i̵̹̼̚͜ṇ̴̀͒g̴̦͚̳̓̒,̶̧̜͔̝͒͐ ̶̬͇͍̂̂̓̎å̷̻̯̩̅͝ ̴̣̠͈͑̇͋̊l̵̨̹̟̽̒̿i̷̖͋̄͆͐ț̶̞̲̂̾́̕t̷͔͓͎͔̚ĺ̶̝̺̰̗̚e̵̘̠͉̗͌ ̸̢̨̪͗̌͑͝a̶̜̥̟͎͋ṭ̶͍̠͝ ̷͕̩̈́͌̊͂a̸̭̳̕ ̶̪̬́t̵̗͔̟̑̍̆ì̶̡̜͊̂͒m̶̪̦̏̐̌͝ë̴͖́̉,̵̘͇̣̰̀ ̷̞̟͈͖̌̃̽̚ỹ̶̥̭̻̯͒͝o̸̩͔͋ṳ̴̅̒͂̿ ̶̩̍c̷̺͓͂̾͛a̴͚̬͌̂ǹ̵̗̜͋ ̸̮͍̎̉́̍m̶͚̞͚̋̿a̵̛̤̰͗̕ḵ̵̢͔̇̂̃̓e̵͍͉̲̲̒͋ ̵̰͐̿͗ȉ̶͉͌͘ť̵̫̻̀͂ ̷̧̜͕̘̋̊̒̕ẗ̸̪̘̤̭́h̴͍̤͖͐ṙ̴͔͎̔͘o̵͕̒̄͐u̴̧͘g̸̻̱̜̗̈̋̎h̴̠͓̬̑͊̓̋.̸̛̟̲̘͑̕
This insignia is the balance to all the others so far. It represents my partner Aly, and without her I would have never been able to get through the tough times in my life. She has been the sunlight in the darkness, my biggest fan, and the one who always pushes me to do better and be the best person I can be. Without her I wouldn't be who I am or where I am in life. All of the insignia's elements represent a part of her, and even the font was designed by her. Love is powerful. Even the smallest bit of love defeats darkness and pain.
This seemed like the best way to end this series. The entire thing was more or less a reflection of myself as a person, and reflecting on where I started to where I am now. For a while I thought we would be remembered for our failures, but I know now that we are not our failures, and our perceived faults are still part of us. They help us to learn, grow, and do better, and they are only one side of the coin. For every fault you think you have, you have at least 10 times more good qualities, and together they make you who you are.